Rules of Engagement

 Below I am going to list some highly effective tools that you may use to infuriate your co-workers. These have been finely honed to a fine edge and are a practical use in every day life.

For the person that wont shut the hell up and walks all the way down from their cube and peers over your wall to make sure you hear every freaking word they say.

Act interested! Keep the conversation flowing and at the same you are in the act of looking busy and ignoring them. Then half-way through the conversation you look up as if you are perplexed, and say to them in a serious tone...What the hell are you talking about I haven't got time for this!... Shocked they will wander off and will leave you alone for 1-2 days.

There is always a person who brings their lunch from home and they nuke the hell out of it so that when they come back and sit in their little cubicle the nauseating stench over flows into your environment.

You proclaim quite loudly... Who the Hell brought elephant shit in here and decided it would make a good lunch? God Damn that shit stinks!... They will surely be pleased with the visual that you have given them. If you get them to gag or throw up you get bonus points.

You need to always pick a person out that is not to terribly annoying for this next bit of fun. They have to be quite friendly and jovial for this to work properly. They should be the type of person who always gives you shit out of the blue and when you are least expecting it.

Wait untilthey are extremely busy and in a excited tone yell their name over the wall. When you have their attention you say the following... You Ass Monkey.... The next step is to be absolutely quiet. They will either ask what the hell are you talking about or will ignore you. Then you do it again about 4-5 minutes later. You can keep this up for indefinite amounts of time and of course throw them a curve ball by actually asking real questions or making a comment on something work related. Yes there is always an Ass monkey where you work just seek them them out they are usually standing around acting busy and scratching their asses at the same time. If you ever catching them sniffing their finger of course you can upgrade them to Monkey Ass Sniffer!

In every work environment I have had the pleasure of being in, there has always been one person who thought they were the self appointed God of the Land. This pisses me off to no end, and I will usually try my best to ignore it for the most part because I truly understand their inferiority complex that causes them to be this way. You will at some point, in time, reach the boiling point and have to let off some steam. The following should be good to use... I have tested them quite thoroughly and found a couple of them to be quite effective.

Know it All: Blah, Blah, Blah

My Reply: You're not my Boss!

Know it All: Yap, Yap, Yap

My Reply: Why don't you just shut the hell up! No! Do not keep talking... I said shut the hell up!

I have found that these simple tactics cause a couple of things to happen. First, they will exclaim that they are going to tell on you. I love this because they are like little fucking kids and you know you are going to win that stupid issue. Secondly, They will usually end up moving cubes and give someone else a headache. You of course will be the topic of discussion amongst your peers as a person that just can't get along, but then again you are also known as the type that won't put up with any shit either. Respect "Baby!" That's what it is all about.

There is always a Religious Zealot, and/or an Atheist hanging about. This is my my favorite past time! Depending on the situation you can play devil's advocate against either side. Don't do this when they are both actively arguing their points together.. This can only be done in a one-on-one environment. Make sure you also understand what a logical fallacy is and that you have a good background for your argument against their belief system. Make sure you talk in a lot of circles, and don't let them side step the shit they have no answers for. You have to dog them till then end.. and when they give up or go back to work in a huff you have won. Be prepared for snide remarks later down the road. They are usually done in passing but God damn it! You get to start all over again and it sure is as fun as fat lady on a slip-n-slide!

 

There are quite a few more games to play that will make your day of work all that much more enjoyable, but for now I will leave it at these few. If you are reading this and you are one of the people who cause me to do these things.... Well you now have been told what you are, and I am here to say that we are on to your little acts of idiocy! Our goal is to bend you over and leave with a smile on our face... Cheers!