Easy Does it

I have spoken before about my preference for a particular throne at my place of employment. This stall is designed for the handicapped, but has one of the most awesome features! It sits nice and high (unlike the norm where I sit down to let one go and the seat is so close to the ground I feel as if I am caught in a perpetual sit-up position), and there is a certain majesty to it. You actually can afford to relax and give birth to whatever size turd that wishes to birth.

On this particular day I had waited to long. I scurried to the restroom with my ass cheeks puckered up because I could feel the little fucker turtling. Thank God there is no incident along the way! Upon entry I have a couple of things to be Thankful for, the first is that there is no sign denying me entrance as a team of Mexicans clean the place up, and secondly my favorite shitting spot is still open territory.

As I take my seat of glory I feel a sense of calm wash over me, and I can almost imagine a scepter in one hand, a crown upon my brow, and my faithful subjects in turdomland singing me praises:

All Hail The King of the Poo! Let us rejoice as he grunts, he pushes, and he thrusts one forward! All Hail the King of the Poo! He who gives us the smell of Doom!

Smiling to myself I relax preparing my anal cavity for release. "What the Fuck?", I think to myself as I realized that I may have just taken a shit but felt nothing. Shaking my ass a bit it seems that there is nothing clinging to either of my cheeks. Pushing a little more it feels as if the runway is void of take off. I spread my legs a little and take a gander to notice that I have actually taken a shit. It was a fatty too! "Oh My GOD!", I scream soundlessly. I didn't even get to enjoy that fat bastard laying in the bowl.

Totally disenchanted at this point I decide that there will be no true satisfaction at this time, and go to wipe my ass. Now before I go further along into the process of taking a wipe let me explain to you that I do not nor have I ever believed in the one sheet rule. Fuck that man I take my hand and let the fucking roll spin as I grab the approximate length to hit the spot and wipe away the left overs. This time was a bit different. I reach forward and try to grab the end of the roll to get my normal handful of toilet paper when I see that it is a new roll and that I am going to have to put some work into getting it pried loose. "No problem", I just start picking it apart and I have the first sheet started. I give it a go and hear a dismal sound.

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"God Damn it"

I Try again

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Over and over again I get a single piece of T.P., one at a time.

"Bitch"

I grab the few piece I have thinking that I'll just wad them up and give the old exit hole a wipe down the best I can. Unfortunately as I take the bend and start the action the paper falls into the porcelain basin and I end up wiping my bum with my hand sans paper.

At this point I am extremely pissed. I have shit on one hand, and have been denied the actual relieving feel you get from a good grunt. So using the other (CLEAN) hand I try once again to get some toilet paper to wipe off my shitty hand.

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"For the Love of God Noooooooo!"

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"Noooooooo"

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"Will it ever end?"

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Finally I get my hand semi-clean and start the process again taking care not to drop the paper into the water for a second time.

"Ah-ha! Excellent, I hit flesh and get a good wipe going"

To my poor unlucky soul I then realize that I did not take a shit I instead HAD A SLIDER! Yes, a SLIDER - for those of you uninitiated a slider is a shit that will slide out of your ass leaving you with a nice greasy residue to wipe off. The worst part of this is that you will end up using a whole mother fucking roll of paper and be so exhausted from the energy put for that you end up cursing the entire time.

Yes I had a slider, and now my A.D.D. was kicked into full gear. Let me just say that for the record I finished the job, washed my hands thoroughly, and made it back to my desk.

As I sit down my co-worked has the gall to ask,

"What the Fuck happened to you? You were gone forever!"

Fuck you man.... Fuck you....