An Ode to the World of the Urinal

Well I made a post about defecation the other day and all I can keep thinking about is the thoughts I have on taking a piss so without much further ado I will finish the bathroom stories up here and my mind will be able to move on towards other useless things.

Now to start out I want to remind all of you reading this bit of nonsense that it is all from a guy's perspective. Women you are on your own and can be left to imagine what I am about to write. To all of you guys out there I think all of you can relate and will hopefully find this amusing. I know I don't ;)

The urinal itself is a pretty standard thing they prob exist in 95% of all locations in the US and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some of them are a bit shorter on the wall than others (Hey the kiddies gotta pee too). I personally prefer the ones that do not extend all the way to the floor and have a cup that sticks out like at the bottom to catch any loose ends; also I don't have to stand so close to it I lose that feeling of humping the porcelain as I let fly the rains of spring.

In the use of the men's room there is an unwritten code of conduct that it seems only half of the men of this world know about so maybe if I write it out in the here and now some of you will read it and go, " Ahh geez I will be more careful next time".

The rules are as follows:

1. When coming upon the row of urinals you will automatically take the farthest empty one away from any other men that are present.

2. If you have to go and take your leak next to someone you will choose the side that has less members in use.

3. If you are in a busy restroom you will wait at least 3-4 feet back from those who are in the act of relieving themselves.

4. Unless you were talking to the fella as you walked in and are carrying forward a convo from before the point of entry, you will not carry on a conversation with other users.

5. Never look towards another man during the act of pissing.



Those are the basics if everyone could just follow those the world would be a better place.

Now for the real reasons for this posting.....


I am the type of guy that is private. When I go to do my business I do not want to be talked to, looked at, or in general, any act that will cause my focus on relaxing to be lost. To put it bluntly I have perfomance anxiety syndrome. "What is that?", you ask... It is simple. You mess with me at any time before I start the river a-flowing and I cannot go. I could have downed a 2 liter of pepsi and have to piss like russian race horse. Here in lies my contempt for all men who have to bother me while taking care of my business.



One day (I have no idea why in God's name I let my wife at the time talk me into going here) I was at the local AAA baseball park watching the game and decided I needed to take a leak. I make my way down the bleachers and walk what felt to me as if it was a quarter mile away to the restrooms. Once I arrive I am disheartened to find the line extends to the outside. Reluctantly I step in the rear of the line just hoping I get in there fast so that I can let this fluid fly. "Damn I need to go really bad", I mutter under my breath and can feel my internals getting heavier,and heavier, as the moments pass.

Yay! I made it inside the door but now I'm at such a position that I have to stand there and prop open the 40 pound metal giant of a door and it is causing my further discomfort because I am constantly shifting around trying to hold it open and at the same time trying to hold my pee. The line moves after a few moments and now I am just a few guys back from ....

"Ohhh No!!!!! It's a trough!", the one bathroom item I hate more than anything in the world. You see for those of you that are uninitiated here a trough is a long metal box that has water in it and guys just line up and pee right into it. There are no walls distancing you and people are crammed so tight that you always end up getting hit with an elbow or something. Now I am gonna say for the record "Yes I could use a stall" , but in the men's room with hundreds of guys I do not advise it in situations like this they usually do not have doors and they don't obey the three feet rule that means they are almost so close you can feel them bumping your ass as you pee. Then you got to zip up turn around and fight your way past them as they come forward and you try to leave.

Back to the story.....

So by now I am about to die my innards are on fire and I feel like I am going to burst. Finally... The time has arrived I step up to the empty spot that is awaiting me and unzip, whip it out and stare at the perverted messages that are eye level on the wall in front of me. Just as I am going to open the flood gates and get some relief a movement catches the corner of my eye. "What the hell?" I take a look out o the corner of my eye and I cannot believe what I see. A little 5 foot 6 inch fella trying to real in his dick like it is a damn Fishing Reel. I swear to god that guys shlong was so long I do not know how he even pulls out to piss with it without it accidentally flopping down into the trough! Now of course rules are that I cannot look at this display. I mean shit I am not infatuated by this guys penis it is the size and the way he is flopping it about. At this very moment I seize up a picture of a King Cobra floats about in my head and I am afraid it is gonna come over and accidentally touch me or something. "I cannot go piss Daaaaaamn", I scream inside my pounding skull. So what do I do? Stand there some more while this guy makes a show of rolling in his fire hose, or do I just leave? I choose the latter its all seized up gonna be a while before anything leaves that orifice of mine.


Another day another dollar......

So this time I am at the fair and you guessed it... I have to take a leak. Again I have to wait in a line but it isn't really that bad the urinals are actually divided and separated from each other. Cool.. Cool.. I get up to my turn and approach feeling ok about the situation until the unthinkable happens.< Now like i have stated before I am a pretty big guy 6 foot 3 inches 211 pounds, so when someone is bigger than me then thay are Huuuuge> I feel this over powering presence to my left. I have to break the code and look and beside me stands a Black man approx 6 foot 10 inches tall and like 275 pounds all muscle. That wouldn't bother me in the least except for one thing. He is really black I mean so black that if it was dark outside you would not be able to see him coming at you. So like I said I look over at him and he is staring at me with his bright whites of his eyes and big bright teeth and he just keeps looking and says, "Hello".... Arrrrrrrgh! You got it I couldn't take the piss there either.


So with those few words... Please! Please! I implore of you all... follow the unwritten rules of the urinal so that others such as myself may pee in peace and not burn with the feeling of a full bladder!