An Ode to Silence

When I go to get my hair cut I prefer to go in get the job done and get the hell out of there. No lolly gagging about for sure. I am paying for a service and I expect it to be done professionally, as well as courteously. In these moments I think of it as a nice relaxing time where someone is making me look good while I am just sitting back and enjoying the show. I don't really care to have a conversation with you about the small trivialities of life, it seems to ruin the moment and peace of mind is then imbued with the aggravations of the the daily routine.

I enter the shop and the lady taking the appointments asks if she can help me and I explain to her that I don't have an appointment but in fact am in dire need of a haircut. Her response.."I think we give those here. Girls do we give haircuts?" Oh Great! A fucking smartass that is all I really need. I stand there patiently while she writes my name down and make my way over to the seating area for all of two minutes then she comes over and asks me if I am ready. Now if I haven't mentioned what she looks like she has a piercing in her bottom lip, a pierced tongue and is the same smart ass that greeted me upon entry.

We head on over to her little booth and I take my seat thinking to myself that if I don't say anything it will be all good and I can just get this tedious nonsense out of the way. She is currently blathering about something that I have no idea in hell that she is saying. When out of the blue sky darkness crashes all about and I hear the words that drive me to the brink of madness and despair.. "So your not going to talk huh? Just gonna sit there and make me do all the work well I will just have to let you know that I am pretty mouthy and will not let you sit there and keep quiet." Oh For Fuck's Sake! This woman has no idea what she is in for with me, because if I cannot have a bit of peace and quiet then I am going to cause her to think twice next time before giving her customers hell.

The conversation begins again and she states the obvious "So you have some Irish in you." 'Yes you moron, was it the fucking reddish coloring in my hair that gave it away?' I think to myself, but alas I am not that rude so I reply with my usual yes and that I am also Welsh, Black Dutch, and German. So she begins talking about people who dye their hair and how her then boyfriend wanted to see her with red hair and it came out bright red and totally fake looking. "Well yeah", I say to her in an obnoxious tone but then quietly add but I know mine is real and there is always a little test that one can do to prove it *wink*, but I don't think the other ladies in here would want to see how I can do that. Ha! I see here smirking then I add "Yeah well there are way too many fucking red headed people about now adays and all I can say is that we are making a come back the world shall soon be ruled be only those with the red in their hair and no one will be able to ever fake our color impostors will be known immediately!".

The we get to chatting on about how hot it is outside and she keeps wanting to take a drink of my coke that I brought in with me and that she is too lazy to go and buy herself one from across the street because of the heat and she doesn't want to get all sweaty. Jesus Christ is this ever going to end? So I have to start in again "Well you see me I am white as a ghost and yeah it makes me sweat I definitely do not belong in Oklahoma. Women want tall dark and handsome well I say Fuck that! Reason is that when everyone is dying or dead of their fucking skin cancers I am going to be the old bastard sitting at the back of the bar taking my drink and smoking my outlawed cigarettes telling all you darkies to shut the fuck up and laugh my wheezy old assed laugh and coughing up a bit of phlegm at the same time but god damn it I will still be alive!"

Yeah now she is laughing.. Good... Good. My plan is working. So I go on to talk about about how the world treats us red headed folk with a bit of racism. She quits laughing and gets interested. "Yeah man! They got this totally ghost white mother fucker with a god damn bright red wig called Ronald McDonald that's fucking making fun of me and mine it is bullshit! Fuck what would happen if there was some joint that had a Negro as their mascot call Jumbuko and paraded his ass everywhere you don't think the world would be up in arms? Fuck yes they would be instead I get to be call Ronald Mother Fucking Donald!"

By now she is laughing so hard she has to stop to gather her composure before she can begin to cut my hair and finish this whole diluted bullshit we got going on ...Oh Yeah! It is called communication.. Whatever..

Somehow we get on the subject of this guy that used to come in and had long ass hair down to his ass and he would flip it all around and her boss which was mostly bald would tell her that if that guy wanted to see hair he would just grow out his ear hair and show him! He would braid it and it would be awesome! To myself I am thinking 'why is it I always get the people that just are a bit out of the ordinary?'

"Well why stop there? He could grow out his ass hairs and instead of dingle-berries he could braid them and put beads in them so that when he walked you could hear the clicking sound of the beads as they hit one another.", Oh yeah baby she's like this and she says in return "Well what about those guys whose nuts get removed and they have metal balls in them?", Haaaaa someone is getting turned on by my comedy I see Booyah go in for the kill! I quiet down for just a moment and let her quit laughing and then I start it back up..."Clank, Clank, Clank!" Now she is busting a gut she is laughing so hard! Yes! I win muhahahahaha! I am God of the lands do not fuck with me when I am getting my hair cut.

She finishes the haircut a moment or two later and says "Well?" Oh My God! The girl has fucked my head up she has the slope in my hair on the top that you can ramp a fucking bike off of! "Um, You fucked up" I say non-chalantly and show her and she says in a matter of fact tone "well just tilt your head". She can kiss my ass for that statement as I make her fix it.

There we go much better. Now I get to hear how I am so much fun and was her best customer this week blah blah shut the fuck up make my change and let me go!

Naw I just smile and say it has been a pleasure and walk on out the door shaking my head at the crazy people I have to meet on a daily basis.