Easy Does it

I have spoken before about my preference for a particular throne at my place of employment. This stall is designed for the handicapped, but has one of the most awesome features! It sits nice and high (unlike the norm where I sit down to let one go and the seat is so close to the ground I feel as if I am caught in a perpetual sit-up position), and there is a certain majesty to it. You actually can afford to relax and give birth to whatever size turd that wishes to birth.

On this particular day I had waited to long. I scurried to the restroom with my ass cheeks puckered up because I could feel the little fucker turtling. Thank God there is no incident along the way! Upon entry I have a couple of things to be Thankful for, the first is that there is no sign denying me entrance as a team of Mexicans clean the place up, and secondly my favorite shitting spot is still open territory.

As I take my seat of glory I feel a sense of calm wash over me, and I can almost imagine a scepter in one hand, a crown upon my brow, and my faithful subjects in turdomland singing me praises:

All Hail The King of the Poo! Let us rejoice as he grunts, he pushes, and he thrusts one forward! All Hail the King of the Poo! He who gives us the smell of Doom!

Smiling to myself I relax preparing my anal cavity for release. "What the Fuck?", I think to myself as I realized that I may have just taken a shit but felt nothing. Shaking my ass a bit it seems that there is nothing clinging to either of my cheeks. Pushing a little more it feels as if the runway is void of take off. I spread my legs a little and take a gander to notice that I have actually taken a shit. It was a fatty too! "Oh My GOD!", I scream soundlessly. I didn't even get to enjoy that fat bastard laying in the bowl.

Totally disenchanted at this point I decide that there will be no true satisfaction at this time, and go to wipe my ass. Now before I go further along into the process of taking a wipe let me explain to you that I do not nor have I ever believed in the one sheet rule. Fuck that man I take my hand and let the fucking roll spin as I grab the approximate length to hit the spot and wipe away the left overs. This time was a bit different. I reach forward and try to grab the end of the roll to get my normal handful of toilet paper when I see that it is a new roll and that I am going to have to put some work into getting it pried loose. "No problem", I just start picking it apart and I have the first sheet started. I give it a go and hear a dismal sound.

RiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiP

"God Damn it"

I Try again

RiiiiiiiiiiiiiiP

Over and over again I get a single piece of T.P., one at a time.

"Bitch"

I grab the few piece I have thinking that I'll just wad them up and give the old exit hole a wipe down the best I can. Unfortunately as I take the bend and start the action the paper falls into the porcelain basin and I end up wiping my bum with my hand sans paper.

At this point I am extremely pissed. I have shit on one hand, and have been denied the actual relieving feel you get from a good grunt. So using the other (CLEAN) hand I try once again to get some toilet paper to wipe off my shitty hand.

RiiiiiiiiiiP

"For the Love of God Noooooooo!"

RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP

"Noooooooo"

RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP

"Will it ever end?"

RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP
RiiiiiiiiiiP

Finally I get my hand semi-clean and start the process again taking care not to drop the paper into the water for a second time.

"Ah-ha! Excellent, I hit flesh and get a good wipe going"

To my poor unlucky soul I then realize that I did not take a shit I instead HAD A SLIDER! Yes, a SLIDER - for those of you uninitiated a slider is a shit that will slide out of your ass leaving you with a nice greasy residue to wipe off. The worst part of this is that you will end up using a whole mother fucking roll of paper and be so exhausted from the energy put for that you end up cursing the entire time.

Yes I had a slider, and now my A.D.D. was kicked into full gear. Let me just say that for the record I finished the job, washed my hands thoroughly, and made it back to my desk.

As I sit down my co-worked has the gall to ask,

"What the Fuck happened to you? You were gone forever!"

Fuck you man.... Fuck you....

As The World Turns...

....So these are the days of our lives.


Within one week's time I have received two "Where the fuck is Seeker?" requests. My thoughts turn to wondering if I should apologize for my absence or perhaps write a long expose as to where I have been or what I have been up to, but I think I'll pass and say for brevity's sake that I have been busy "Life Called".

The reason I originally started writing everything here was to sort out the humourous, and crazy, happenings that surround my daily world. one of the things I have always wanted to do is to go to an amateur night at a comedy club, make some folks ,laugh, and then be on my merry way. If it ever came up in a conversation I would be able to say "Yeah, I have done that", as I can with my so many other things that have been my priveledge and horror to have been a part of. My writing would be fuel for this fire, and when the time came I figured I would have all kinds of material to use, but a few other things happened along the way with me here that took a precedence as to what I had originally started and in them I got lost.

The first , and foremost, problem was that I got caught up with all the different people that read my blog. I read their posts and at times felt their pain, as well as their happiness. There is a definite cliquishness that prevails online, and you can be in or out as the days go by. The time wasted tinkering, learning, and trying to get a bigger audience was for not. In what reality does any of it matter? I never found an answer to that question but found it constantly being razed within my minds eye. I dropped out of sight and now if anyone is left to read what I write I will find it interesting - to say the least - as well as a little bit comforting.

Considering that I have had two people write me asking me where I am at I have a tendency to think that there are people out there checking up and making sure I am still alive even in this virtual world. How long will I stay this time I am not sure; not sure at all. The answer I can give you is that I will be here as long as I feel like it and then perhaps I may take another sojourn into the nethers where once again you, or another may reawaken the slumbering giant once again.

Another thing I have to state with emphasis is that I found the woman of my dreams here in this fucked up version of non-existence. The relationship is long distance and I have spoken to her in some way every single day for the past 9 months. I know of no other person in the history of what is my life that does not annoy or irritate me so much that I would wish their company as much as I do hers. She is truly my other half, and has taken some of the brash, hardcore, obtuse personality out of my being. She makes me a better person for just letting me know her, and in this I feel safe. I tell her my deepest desires, my darkest secrets, and once I do this I do not really feel the need to express them in any other way or form.


This is all for now, more to come later.....