Saturday, July 31, 2004

Seekerisms

I have many sayings I like to use. Some of these are definitely mine and well... others are borrowed. This is for Nord seeing as how she is in awe of my verbology.

The list is as follows:

Fuxored
Fucktard
Fucknut
F.U.B.A.R.'ed
Jiggly
Jiggly Poof (The Gay version of the Jiggly Puff Pokemon)
Ass
Asshat
Ass Monkey
Cod Nibbler also Nibbler of the Cod ~ For the initiated it can be shortened to Niblet
Re-Re
Diddlin'
Monkey Lover
M00 Cha
Pffft
Tosser aka Salad Tosser
Wanker
Cunty
Mog aka Masturbatin' the Gerbil
Old School
Old Time Baller
Cronk
Dick Dribbler
Moolie
Wop
Tuna
Tuna Boat
Woodrow


Sayings:
You're as happy as whore off her Period!
I had to grow a tail.
I was having a baby.
Shakin' the snake.
Dropping Anchor
Ya Ca'ack
You're wearing the Big L
You Hermaphrodite! aka You Hermie.
The fishies was a' swimmin'
Hey there's Bob aka Hey there's Pat.
Yeah, You Suck!
I Rule!
Dumbass! You have just been Fuck-Foo'ed!

Favorite Words:
Fuck
Fucker
Asshole
Ass
Shit
Shite
Dumbass



Okies I think this is all for a bit I am getting weary-eyed and if you can think of any more you have seen me use, or if you have your own then please feel free to add them in the comments. I'll update the list as I can. If you don't know what any of these mean then ask away and I may inform you if I feel you are worthy of the information.





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Thursday, July 29, 2004

Setting the Place Holder

Opening credits roll, background music starts playing:

..........They call me The Seeker I've been searching low and high I won't get to get what I'm after Till the day I die, I asked Bobby Dylan, I asked The Beatles, I asked Timothy Leary But he couldn't help me either.............

Across the screen flashes a warning:
Due to adult situations, and language, parental guidance is strongly encouraged.

Your television screen goes black and in the middle of the darkness a spotlight slowly fades in focused on a dark shadowed figure. You can barely make out his features as you focus in on the lit end of a cigarette hanging out of what should be his mouth. Smoke drifts up into the dark as the lights slowly spark to life.

You are now able to make out who this person is..."Yes, It is The Seeker!"... you inhale deeply as you catch his choice of attire for today. He is dressed in his usual black ensemble and has the look of the hunter who has finally caught up with his prey. He stands before the audience on his totally black stage, the void of anything else in near proximity makes him seem enormous as the weight of his gaze takes each of you in.

Start Applause

Taking a drag off the loosely lipped cigarette he smiles and walks towards his right. He crosses the threshold onto another set. Here you see grandeur in totality. The major focal point of this room is an ornate throne. It's gilded golden surface gleams under the bright lights of the production crew. It is set approximately 2 feet higher off the stage than the two luxorious chairs in which his guests shall be seated. The rest of the set is a collage of furniture from antiquity. You see Greco-Roman, Louis XV, and Renaissance art placed with the sole intent of giving visitors a false pretense of relaxation and security.

The Seeker's pinache for clothing runs the gambit. One day he will be wearing skate rags, another he may be wearing a total 1930's gangster ensemble. Today he is dressed in a long leather trench coat, biker boots, a pair of faded jeans and an Orange County Chopper's work-shirt. Upon reaching his throne room he takes off the over coat and hands it to a lackey who magically appears out of no where and bows to his liege as he departs.

Walking to the edge of the set he holds up his hands and smiles impatiently asking for silence.

End Opening Music
End Applause

The interesting thing about this show is that there are never any lead ins. The commercials are usually filled with voice-overs announcing The Seeker and shows a few images of him in the opening stage setting with his various wardrobe attire flashing quickly across the screen. They may have an image or two (if your lucky) of the Throne Room, but there are never any blurbs or enticements for you to check out what is going to be there for your viewing pleasure. He rarely gives interviews, and when he does they are short and to the point. He may answer questions asked of him by the journalist, or if he doesn't care for the person taking up his valuable time he may rant on about some topic that he feels strongly about. He likes the mystique it presents, and goes forward each day with the notion that his viewers will keep coming as long as he keeps them entertained, and if he can impart some sort of wisdom along the way that may help their lives in some fashion. If they ever lose interest...well then he is through and will move on to the next project, but will never ever give up his integrity or beliefs just to fit in with what the networks want from him.

As the roar is dying off the manservant appears yet again this time bearing a silver platter and on it is a single golden chalice. It is extremely ornate and is ever present during the course of every show (It has been said that Seeker likes an odd mixture of drink, i.e. Vodka and Coke, this has never been confrimed but knowing him it is probably true.) He grabs the drink and thasnks his servant as he turns back to address the audience..Cocky grin at the ready and a gaze the devil himself would not want to meet......

Monday, July 26, 2004

My Tarot Card

Got this from Esther Who got it from Vader





The Hierophant Card
You are the the Hierophant card. The Hierophant,
called The Pope in some decks, is the preserver
of cultural traditions. After entering The
Emperor's society, The Hierophant teaches us
its wisdom. The Hierophant learns and teaches
our cultural traditions. The discoveries our
ancestors have made influence the present.
Without forces such as The Hierophant who are
able to interpret and communicate traditional
lore, each generation would have to begin to
learn anew. As a force that is concentrated on
our past and our culture, The Hierophant can
sometimes be stubborn and set in his ways. This
is a negative trait he shares with his zodiac
sign, Taurus. But like Taurus he is productive.
His traditional lore can provide a source of
inspiration for the creatively inclined, and
his knowledge provides an excellent foundation
for those who come into their own in the
business world. Image from: Morgan E.
Cauthers-Knox.
http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/loth/m/o/morganc/morganc.html


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Saturday, July 24, 2004

Flame Broiled!

Hit the Download link and watch the Fun!




Guess The.......

Guess the Dictator or Sitcom Character
 
I first saw this about 3 years ago and last night I was amused to see someone with a link to it so I thought I would share it with you and let you have some fun as well.

Friday, July 23, 2004

The Odd Giblet

 The Seeker has been neglecting you , his studious friends, with his daily regaling of life at it's worst. Therefore I will post many exciting, and provocative, thoughts in here. If you get lost, it is truly not my problem.

Melody Mayhem
A couple days ago I am enjoying an afternoon nap immensly when I hear the sounds of whispering. Oh shit! This is never good. Children for the most part are loud obnoxious creatures and you willl lose any thought of serenity you had once been able to maintain before their arrival. You see, when a noisy atmosphere becomes quiet there is evil afoot. I liken it to the movies that you may watch and the lead characters are stumbling about looking for God knows what, and the forest goes silent. There is not eventhe sound of an ant passing gas it is so quiet. You know that as a movie-goer that you are about to meet some menace on the big screen. Well this is the way it is in my little piece of life. If the world goes silent. I am truly, without a doubt, going to be fucked.

I get out of bed to the sounds of pssshhh shhp psshh QUIET (At what age does a child learn that to yell the word "Quiet" actually negates all plans of demonization that they are intent upon?) Pshshshs warble warble..... giggle giggle SHUT UP! Pshshssh.
 
What's going on in here guys? Why are you all whispering?
 
Father from whose loins I have sprung (Oh Jesus here it comes now!). Would you let us keep this divine creature of God that we have found out under your car? She was lonely, crying for us to save her from the wild animals all about our neighborhood! We wil care for her! We will take good care of her!
 
Fuck! You already brought it in the house? Let me See...
 
They present this tiny little cat to me ...FREEZE FRAME>>>> OH MY GOD!!! All I can think about is all my ruined clothes that little bastard Brownie cost me>>>>

I take a look at her andshe is the weirdest looking cat I have ever seen. She is like a tortoise color, calico, all kinds of stuff. Her face has little chettah spots on is and is black, orange, brown, grey... Oh isn't she so fucked up she is cute... sighs... alright you guys can keep her if she pisses me off shes gone you got that?
 
 Sure Dad! Yay!

 
Now the kids are gone I am left alone with her and she is truly a female in all sense of the word. She whines, cries, meows, and has to be up my ass every where I go.  Hell man, earlier I went to take a nap and the little bitch crawled on my chest and stuck her ass right up against my nose....

Me sleeping....

WTF? WTF? What is that smell? Eyes peer open afraid, so very afraid.... OMG There is cat anus against my nose! SHIT!
 
I have a feeling this is going to be a very interesting next few weeks. Oh BTW... meet Melody Mayhem newst retard in my house hold... Oh and so nice I just caught a wiff of her passing gas as I type this. I am so feeling the love right now.

 
Summertime Blues
 In a previous story I wrote about a nasty fat woman who has a smelly cooter. Well since the heat index here in the land of OK has been hovering around 105-108 degrees daily,  the aroma of stank puss once again fills the air. Twice I have been caught on the elevator and was able to hold off the maloderous air, but I am afraid my poor friend was not so lucky. He saw her and started for the stairwell... No Come on in we can ride together she says in her deep, testerone induced, voice. Being the nice guy he is he makes his way to the chamber of doom! He enters, breath held against hte hope that he may live to see tomorrow, and be there for the birth of his unborn child. I am sorry my friends, it wasn't meant to be. She started a conversation with him and he had to reply. At that point he took in a breath of fetid air, and it was all over the rest of the time my poor boy was doing all he could so that he would not vomit up on her flowered moo moo.

I visited him in the hospital yesterday and he is starting to regain some of his motor skills. He asked about my blog and told me to impart a plea for all mankind.

Do you ever have that so unclean feeling? Then use a douche in your god damn cunts!
 
I personally think he put it quite eloquently don't you? Has a spring fresh feeling about it.

 

Annoyances to the nth degree
 
 The rules of walking are as follows. Always stay to the right unless an obstacle interferes with your path. You will then stop and allow oncoming traffic to pass before continuing on the journey.

Pretty simple huh?

Nope.

Seems that with the fat fetish we have before us the rules are changing and not for the better. The Fatties now standing side by side take up the entire fucking hallway. We know this because they fucking cant walk very fast and they like to freakin talk as they create seismic waves throughout the corridor. Now I totally understand that they have a thing for eating and thatis the basis of their sexuality. To each his own and all that jazz. What I do have a problem with is that they are getting so enormous that they can no longer stand side by side. One of them is actually very close but one step behind them so that they over lap and are yet still blocking Seeker's path.

Here is the kicker. They don't Fucking move out of my way. They are in my god damn mother fucking lane of traffic and I am supposed to stop and let them pass as I suck in my gut and hump the wall? Fuck you! I feel some corridor cacophony coming on, yeah thats right! You heard me, and I did not stutter! This is the new road rage man shits gonna be all over 48 hours extra edition tomorrow night.

So let me rephrase the rules.

Move out of the Tall Irish looking mother fucker's way when you see him a coming. That scowl is his smile and pain is his friend. you want some of him? Then just try not moving next time as he trips you so that your ham hock of an ankle explodes of the weight of your body. The gravitional forces will pull you down hard and fast, just the way he likes. As you bounce the first time on the ground he rears back with his size 12 Harley Daidson boot and kicks you down the hall way shouting the entire time....

" Air ball you Fat Bitch! Next time move you fucking freak!"
 
Try Me

 

 

 
 
 
 

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Smokey and the Seeker

 The Dave (The jack ass he can truly be) made a post today slamming Camaro's, Fiero's, and TA's "The Look" per se. Well I guess I am stuck in the 80's then because this is what I grew up with. I love all kinds of things, Beemers, Trick Trucks, etc. So here I am in defense of a dream that I will own some day, and there will be no primer and it will sound like a jet engine when it takes off but here it is for all to see:




When I get this you bet I'll be wearing some old faded boot cut jeans, my Black and White (Faded to a perfect yellow) rattlesnake skin boots. And a t-shirt with rolled up sleeves showing my tat's. No There will not be a mullet involved (although I had one with shaved racing stripes on each side when I was a kid), and I'll have my smoke hanging out my mouth as I slam the gas and feel the lift of the front end as those ponies crank up and go; allowing me to be thrown so far back into my seat that theres a permanant head print!

Do I give a fuck? Hell No! Will I be one of the coolest dad's around Hell Yes! That's what it is all about. I don't give a fuck about all those god be damned green tree, peace, hugging, gas saving, pieces of shit that will fold in on themselves when they hit a mail box. I want something that will make any female riding along get an automatic orgasm as the vibration from my hard core horsepower gets her off more than any fucking clitty stimulator would!

 
And Yes I still Rule! Why? Because I do what I want, say what I want and Fuck the Politically Correct Bullshit!

W00t!


*Waves to The Dave*

I figure rolled up sleeves will come back into style some day and I'll be ready.

 


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Dig a Little Deeper and You May Just Score

  In the course of my travels in all things blog. I have noticed that mankind seems to get an innate thrill in discussing matters of a sexual nature. While this at one time was a taboo topic, there is so much of it out there in our world that a desensitizing has occurred. This leaves both male and female counterparts regarding sexual activity as more of a mating activity instead of something that can take you to another plane of existence while still here trapped in your bodily shell.
 
 Quite honestly it gets rather boring to hear(read) the same shit spewed forth in the same mannerisms by countlessly different people. The stories we read most of the time are 15% truth and 85% fiction. The men who are telling of their conquests are the most likely to be the ones who get on top, bang away for 3-4 minutes, then feel like they have conquered the world when in fact they could have masturbated and still have gotten the same thrill. This also can be said of the women as well, and without going into all the varying stereotypes I'll just leave this part of the conversation with your imagination. I think one of the main reasons anyone does this is to fulfill their own fantasies, and to get off by having others read their prose.... it almost takes on a voyeristic quality and the masses are involved. It's really all a bunch of bullshit. I can write true stories that I have lived and I can also write totally fabricated novellas. The thing you have to understand that this type of shit feeds the body, it does nothing for the mind, or spirit and all of these things have to receive the proper nourishment so that you may be fulfilled in what you do.
 
So for everyone out there in Seekerland I challenge you to try and better yourself. Learn to understand your body, spirit, and mind can all work together in harmony and bring you such enlightenment that you will have no need to worship God, so that you may get the key to heaven! "Fuck that!" I say to you right here and now. Try to make your own piece of heaven here on earth and enjoy the time you have in a spectacular way.
 
Seeing as most of you really don't know what the hell I am talking about; I am gonna help you get started. 

 Ideas to contemplate for a truly exciting date:

1)  Go out on the town in your Pajamas. Now dont be silly and go out in a teddy or anything indecent, but instead get some flannel PJ's some shit like that, make sure you got your slippers, grab a small throw and a couple small pillows and just go out like that. Go to eat at a Waffle House, Denny's, Village Inn, or an IHOP. Then after you go out to a movie get all curled up and just lounge about in the seats and get all comfy with the blanket and pillows. People may look at you like you lost your fucking mind but so what tell them Seeker says, "Fuck Foo to You! Ya, Fucking Re-Re". Enjoy it and have a great time laughing at all the expressions you will get.

2) Put some damn though into a date, This shit works on married and single people alike. Now don't be doing this on a first date because I'll tell you that you are surely a dumbass. Do this after you have known your companion for a bit 'o time and give it some spice and creativity.

 This next one is pretty easy. Get yourself 5 big ass manilla envelopes and write out the nights events, or you can type it out, on 5 sheets of paper. Make it look pretty throw in some graphics blah blah. You get the point. Each of these envelopes will contain 5 different date scenerios. There are all kinds of dating ideas that are inexpensive yet show that you put some thought into it.

To make this perfect though you need to call your partner up and say hey I got a problem stop what your doing and come over to so and so and meet me. Flat tire, out of gas etc etc. Make sure for god's sake that you know they are not in the middle of a funeral procession or some bullshit! Use the old noggin peeps! Then when they show up you say "Awww Such a sweetheart, thanks for coming", then you say "I am sorry but I really need you to choose one of these 5 envelopes for me... I just cannot make up my mind." You then let her pick and put the other 4 away... and DO NOT LET HER/HIM SEE WHAT IS IN THE OTHER ENVELOPES!!!!!! You let her open it and head on off to whatever fun she chose. Then save the other 4 for another  time.

3) Go to a book store and grab a cup 'o coffee, hot chocolate, or whatever suits your taste buds and then grab some books with little quizzes in them such as personality, romance, life etc. You can usually find these in the Psychology- Self Help area. Make sure you bring a pen and a notepad so you dont have to buy the book because you had written all over it.

4) Take a trip to the amusement park. Enjoy laughing, eating, and just being a total kid again. Play games ride the bumper cars, get wet. Its all good and if your with someone who cannot just go out and laugh then theres a problem there and shit ain't gonna work to good.

5) For the guys:
 Put together a day for her..now I am not talking spa treatments and la femme shit like that. I am talking about a day that she comes over rather early.. and when she gets there you make her breakfast with all the works. When you are done eating and cleaning the mess up (Do not just throw the shit in the sink) You head on into the room with your TV and show her all the chick flicks you have rented. Need help in this area? Theres is always a lady at the video store or a fag.. They will clue you in... and NO Tits and Ass dont count as a chick flick you ass hat! Then you set about making sure she has plenty to drink and you all just relax and you hand her the box of kleenex if she needs it Then when it is lunch time you leave her to watch the film that is playing and tell her to fill you in on any good parts while you go make her a nice light lunch. Sandwiches stuff like that. Make sure you have popcorn made and on the ready in between meals and snacks like you would find at the movie theater. Hell I have even gone so far as to buy theater candy and popcorn and brought it back so that it is ready to go (this is usually for like a one movie  or two movie date though not for a whole day).  When it is time for dinner. You set up a very romantic candle light dinner and make her favorite dish and if you dont know how to fucking cook go learn for god's sake it isn't hard. If she isn't a bitch you will have her smiling for a long time.

For the girls:
 You do the same shit wait on your man in the same fashion and make him feel special. Instead of chick flicks go for The entire Godfather Trilogy, or if it is around Halloween all the Nightmare on Elmstreets'; keep a theme going. So what if we seen em all a million times! We will watch that shit over and over and be speaking Wop by the time we are done :)

 I think that is good enough to get the ball rolling here. If you have some ideas that you have seen or done yourself then feel free to comment and add them in. Variety is the Spice of Life!

 So now quit fucking yanking on yourself about how such and such is a stud and you need to see his blah blah and get real. Any one of us can go into a bar find some drunk ass lonely person and get laid. Sex is sex... I say to you "Put some God Damn effort into shit. It isn't hard, and no you are not going to look like a fool".

Fucking Lamers.....





Sunday, July 18, 2004

75% Freak....Got to Love It!

I'm 75% freak!!
 



Ever had a hankering to see what kind of freak you are? Go take the test and see how much of a freak you really are!

Friday, July 16, 2004

Rules of Engagement

 Below I am going to list some highly effective tools that you may use to infuriate your co-workers. These have been finely honed to a fine edge and are a practical use in every day life.

For the person that wont shut the hell up and walks all the way down from their cube and peers over your wall to make sure you hear every freaking word they say.

Act interested! Keep the conversation flowing and at the same you are in the act of looking busy and ignoring them. Then half-way through the conversation you look up as if you are perplexed, and say to them in a serious tone...What the hell are you talking about I haven't got time for this!... Shocked they will wander off and will leave you alone for 1-2 days.

There is always a person who brings their lunch from home and they nuke the hell out of it so that when they come back and sit in their little cubicle the nauseating stench over flows into your environment.

You proclaim quite loudly... Who the Hell brought elephant shit in here and decided it would make a good lunch? God Damn that shit stinks!... They will surely be pleased with the visual that you have given them. If you get them to gag or throw up you get bonus points.

You need to always pick a person out that is not to terribly annoying for this next bit of fun. They have to be quite friendly and jovial for this to work properly. They should be the type of person who always gives you shit out of the blue and when you are least expecting it.

Wait untilthey are extremely busy and in a excited tone yell their name over the wall. When you have their attention you say the following... You Ass Monkey.... The next step is to be absolutely quiet. They will either ask what the hell are you talking about or will ignore you. Then you do it again about 4-5 minutes later. You can keep this up for indefinite amounts of time and of course throw them a curve ball by actually asking real questions or making a comment on something work related. Yes there is always an Ass monkey where you work just seek them them out they are usually standing around acting busy and scratching their asses at the same time. If you ever catching them sniffing their finger of course you can upgrade them to Monkey Ass Sniffer!

In every work environment I have had the pleasure of being in, there has always been one person who thought they were the self appointed God of the Land. This pisses me off to no end, and I will usually try my best to ignore it for the most part because I truly understand their inferiority complex that causes them to be this way. You will at some point, in time, reach the boiling point and have to let off some steam. The following should be good to use... I have tested them quite thoroughly and found a couple of them to be quite effective.

Know it All: Blah, Blah, Blah

My Reply: You're not my Boss!

Know it All: Yap, Yap, Yap

My Reply: Why don't you just shut the hell up! No! Do not keep talking... I said shut the hell up!

I have found that these simple tactics cause a couple of things to happen. First, they will exclaim that they are going to tell on you. I love this because they are like little fucking kids and you know you are going to win that stupid issue. Secondly, They will usually end up moving cubes and give someone else a headache. You of course will be the topic of discussion amongst your peers as a person that just can't get along, but then again you are also known as the type that won't put up with any shit either. Respect "Baby!" That's what it is all about.

There is always a Religious Zealot, and/or an Atheist hanging about. This is my my favorite past time! Depending on the situation you can play devil's advocate against either side. Don't do this when they are both actively arguing their points together.. This can only be done in a one-on-one environment. Make sure you also understand what a logical fallacy is and that you have a good background for your argument against their belief system. Make sure you talk in a lot of circles, and don't let them side step the shit they have no answers for. You have to dog them till then end.. and when they give up or go back to work in a huff you have won. Be prepared for snide remarks later down the road. They are usually done in passing but God damn it! You get to start all over again and it sure is as fun as fat lady on a slip-n-slide!

 

There are quite a few more games to play that will make your day of work all that much more enjoyable, but for now I will leave it at these few. If you are reading this and you are one of the people who cause me to do these things.... Well you now have been told what you are, and I am here to say that we are on to your little acts of idiocy! Our goal is to bend you over and leave with a smile on our face... Cheers!

 

 

 

 







Thursday, July 15, 2004

Dysfunctional? Hell Yes!

Hooligan Bear
Hooligan Bear


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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I got this from The Loser's Lounge!

Monday, July 12, 2004

Damn It Weezie!

You brought alot of joy to a little kid who used to used to watch your show every day after school. May your light still shine as bright in the next world as it did in this one.



TV's "Weezie" Dead

Mon Jul 12, 1:35 PM ET

By Joal Ryan

Isabel Sanford was nearly 60 when she landed her own sitcom, but she would be nearly 90 before relinquished the fame, if not the role.

Sanford, who played Louise Jefferson, the put-upon, dry-cleaner mogul's wife known to the pop-culturally literate as "Weezie," in The Jeffersons, All in the Family and a host of guest spots and commercials, died Friday at a Los Angeles hospital of natural causes, her publicist announced Monday. She was 86......
For full details read:
Weezie

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The Fast and the Furious

I knew there was a reason I loved this movie!


How Good Are You in Bed?
Are you a fireball or a missfire? Take this fun quiz and find out!
Your Analysis:
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS


You are really on your game at the moment. You’ve read the books you’ve seen the videos, you’ve watched the videos together and acted out your own versions. What you have managed to do is nearly impossible: to balance the physical and spiritual forces of love.


More than anything you need to continue to expand your awareness of your partner, because to rely on past success is to fall by the wayside. If you become too content with your current methods of achieving pleasure you will lose sight of the originality and verve that gave you strength in the first place.


Take a look at where you’re headed as a couple and as an individual. Can you still see your partner as a fresh and new individual without resorting to the momentary crutches of private fantasy? Roleplay together is fine, but when you begin to fantasize to yourself to keep the momentum up, you have already pulled away from the excitement of the moment.


You’re doing great, but you shouldn’t let this slow you down. Passivity and acceptance are death to a romantic relationship, and this goes double for the techniques you use in the bedroom. Remember: practice makes perfect.



Now I realize the title they gives seems a bit shitty, almost as if I cum and go with the speed of light. Stick 'em in and he's done but contraire little grasshopper make sure you gaze upon this singulare sentence and behold my might!
What you have managed to do is nearly impossible: to balance the physical and spiritual forces of love.


That's right my fellow men! Weep at my glory, and to the women out in the audience....You may begin worshipping me as the symbol of all that is phallic.

To take the test go here Test Yourself!

Friday, July 09, 2004

You Owe Me a Quarter

My father is a man that is difficult to describe. On one hand I can say he is brilliant, and on the other...Let's just say he is a tad different. Below I am going to tell some tales and how he has caused me more than a few chuckles.

When I was a lot younger my dad would tell us stories and try to make jokes that left us looking at him in such a way that he realized his effort was futile, to say the least. At some point along the way he began paying us a quarter for these failed attempts. The rules were simple if he did something really dumb, or tried to make us laugh and it didn't work we would say "Where is my quarter?" He would tell us to go get it off his dresser, and it was all good. If he told us a really good joke or made us laugh at all then the quarter would not be payed. This is the back drop for the story I am about to tell......

The Pump
My friend T and myself were at my house sitting on the couch and it was getting late. It was dark outside, and I was starting to wonder where the hell my dad was at, because as soon as he got home T was gonna have to hit the road. I had just got done asking my mother where the hell my dad was at when T says to me "Seeker, you smell that man it is really bad!" Just as he finished that statement and I was nodding my head in affirmation my father walks in the door, and an odor comes with him almost as thick as fog. I swear to God almighty that you could have cut the fumes coming off him with a knife!

"Yo, Dad What the fuck is that smell?" He reaches into his pocket and flips me a quarter, eyebrow raised I am waiting for this to be a good story. We wait while he strips most of his clothing off and starts shaking his head as he explains that he was at the gas station filling up, and while the car ( a 1988 caprice Classic) was gassing up he went inside to get a soda or some shit. It clicks off while he is inside and pays the lady and walks out to the car gets in and starts to drive off. A funny thing happens though. As he is leaving the entire ass end of the car is lifted off of the ground and comes down hard. Confused (This really isn't hard for my dad to become), He looks around and keeps driving but as he pulls into traffic he can see what looks like a geyser of gasoline shooting into the air!. Panicking he blocks off traffic with his car and runs back noticing the pump handle and hose are still attached to the car. He runs past the sa pump itself and sees it is torn almost all the way out of the ground and gasoline is shooting into the atmosphere. Running into the station he yells for them to call 911. The attendent isscared, shocked, confused and frezzes like a deer in the headlights. He finally gets her to comply and runs back outside to direct traffic.

Now my dad is not the most coordinated of individuals, and to picture him in the process of diverting traffic away from this is just mind boggling. The way he tells it no one was paying any heed to him they just drove around him and he was freaked out because some of them had cigarettes in their mouths (The things you notice when the end of the world is coming eh?). Finally he gets some people to start helping him, and they keep traffic from coming in. The fire Dept. Arrives and shuts off the tanks and start the process of getting HAZMAT to the scene to clean up the mess. My dad gave the convenience store his information for insurance purposes and was never called about it. I guess they didn't want to mess with someone so moronic....

Now after hearing all this my friend T is looking at me and shaking his head barely able to contain his grin and says "You owe me a quarter for making me listen to that as well I believe".

Side Note:
He has done this twice in his life time, but due to changes in safety devices they are now break away and when you do this the pump handle just breaks off not damaging the actual pump itself.




The Bird

My Dad and Mom were on one of their frequent trips and were in Hawaii this time. The actual island I am unsure of, but that's of no matter. They were simply out for a cruise driving along the coast and checking out the beauty of the landscape when my father sees a black shape descending rapidly from the sky! This startles him and he abruptly hits the brakes. Bewildered, and looking around, he hits the gas and continues forward as if nothing had happened. Realizing it is so quiet you can hear a pin drop he looks over at my mom who is in shock and is staring out the windshields at the car antennae. She starts yelling for him to pull over, but he is not understanding and goes on down the road. Finally she has had enough "Pull over the car right now!" Now he is getting the picture. When a man gets the evil eye he is doomed.

She tells him to get of the car and to look at the bird. He doesn't understand, but steps out anyway. Looking across the hood of the big Cadillac he realizes what she is pointing at! It is a humongous bird that has been speared thru the heart by his radio antennae! Holy shit! He takes the bird by each wing and slides it off having to go over his head and trying to not get any bird guts on himself. Throws the bird to the side of the road and prays that no one has seen such a stupid thing.

Yeah, that's a Quarter!


Food For Thought
My dad used to love to go bowling, it was something he used to do as a kid all the time and I think it brings back memories of his childhood. One of his favorite things to do was to go to bowl Colorama. For those of you that don't know what this is; it is a bowling game where if you get strikes on certain pins that come down and are colored you get so much prize money. They also have tickets you can buy to try and win jack pots shit like that.

So on this one particular night they go out to have a good time and upon arriving at the bowling alley he notices vast amounts of food everywhere! I can see him now, "My God, I have died and gone to heaven! Thank you for this bountiful blessing you have bestowed upon us." He grabs a plate and starts helping himself. Now my mom has gone to pay for their games, etc. She comes back to find him and by now he has so much food on three different plates it looks as if he will drop them at any second she grabs one of them and tells him what lane they are going to be bowling at.

The make it to their area and start getting ready when my mom asks him "Honey? Where did you get all this food?" He takes the time to look up and says, "Didn't you see it? There is food everywhere!"
"Hun! Look at those people over there that are pointing at us... Did you get food from them too?"
"From them? Not sure I got some from everywhere."

Now my mom is pissed off. Everyone in the bowling alley is looking at them and talking about them, fingers pointing and a few scowling faces. Embarrassment is not the word to use as she informs my dad that the food was not for him to take!
What?

"You dumbass there is a party going on these people brought that food with them for their party, and you took their food!"

Yip, That another Quarter.



Attack of the....

Last weekend BAD2 got initiated into Stupid Things that Grand Daddy Does. They went to my grandmother's house on July 3rd to go swimming and to have a good ole time. On the way back my Dad tells BAD2 that he can ride back from Oklahoma City with him in his corvette. Of course my son aint gonna say no. Driving along in a '79 vette T-tops off and the wind in their hair. W00t!

My dad, the avid golfer he is, always has golf shit in his cars, in his truck, just about everywhere, and the vette is no exception. He is ready to play at a moments notice. Half way back my father hears a flapping sound behind his seat, he tries to reach back and find out what it is, but too late! Now let me explain it to you as he recounted the tale to us. It seems that he was driving around 75 mph and was stuck behind a car in front a semi on the side and a car was riding his ass. He was pinned in and waiting to pass the semi so he could get over and out of the asshole's way, that was riding him. This is when the unthinkable (not really with him) happens! A bright blue rain suit flys out of the back hatch of the car and flies over my dad's head blinding him. BAD2 said he didn't panic he was like "Oh, Grand daddy needs to see!" He helps removes the clothing from my dad's head, and they don't die all is well in the land of Seeker.


Grand Daddy You owe me a Quarter. Says BAD2 as they let their hearts settle down from the furious thumping.


And so the tradition of the Quarter has begun, and shall be handed down unto generations unknown.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Fill 'er Up!

A few days ago I got into a conversation with a friend about his wife's pregnancy, and about how they had to go thru all these fertility tests and such before finding out what the problem was. I told him that I get this certain visual image when it comes to the man having to fill the cup. He told me that I was correct in my visual and we all got a big chuckle out of it.

Of course I am going to share it with you! =)


Ok, by now, I hope most of you have gotten the feel for my easily irritated mannerisms, and if you haven't you need to read some more. The first issue would be that I would have to be donating any of my fishes for this subject matter at all. Hell, I am pretty healthy, and don't see how it could be my fishies that are the problem. Shit.. You women are the ones with with all those check ups and internal issues. I know it sucks for you, but hey why do I have to be letting everyone and their dog see what I got in the way provisional protein towards my half of the baby?

Well after a bit of a heated argument with the lady in my life I would succumb to the pressures put on me and finally agree to do this for her (Guys never win when it comes to this shit, because they will hold the punanny hostage and by then you'll be using your hand alot more than the one time it woulda taken). So in my visual I'd be going to the doctor and hearing all this weird crap that I do not want to listen to. Then at some point during my head shaking , and ignoring the conversation totally, I'd be asked to go into The Room to do the nasty with myself. "Oh Joy!" I would exclaim with much over exaggerated enthusiasm.

Now the room itself would be what one would expect to find. There would be the table to lie down on and the dirty magazines would be in some drawer out of view and that would be it. You'd find a disposable tube of KY jelly laying upon the Table with the white butcher paper almost like a mint that the housekeeper had left in your hotel room the day before. You would be shown where to put the specimen after the deed was done and shown the little metal cabinet that is built into the wall, as that's where you will pe putting it. Then the female nurse leaves (yeah it always has to be a female doesn't it?).


Ok... This is where you'd think the job gets done, you do it and voila! Bing, Bang, Boom, one deposit made.. No receipt given. That type of shit. My mind just doesn't work this way folks. First off I'd look for the dirty magazines and be thinking "Fuck man, Guys have been touching these mags with their hands and touching their peter! So in fact I am touching their peters by association!" Yeah, then any chance of a hard one is getting a bit slimmer. So maybe I use a napkin and try to work through the pages so I don't get any cooties... Then I will be worried I find some pages stuck together from a guy who shot a little too far at first then Id be like looking at his left over jizz page and realize that some dude had came to that picture before me. Damn, still gonna find it difficult for that boner I need.

What's that noise? I listen really closely and realize there are a bunch of people on the other side of the wall. "Oh Fucking Great! I have to be quiet too." The nthe thoughts of someone walking in on me in the middle of a tug starts filling my mind. Oh man, that would be so embarrassing...

Hmmm.... Let us try some sexy thoughts, and I would start thinking about my woman and how this is for her, and how it is too bad she is going to miss out on this load of hot cum. "Yeah, I am feeling a little worked up now I think this will work." So I'd try using the old noggin' to get myself a good wank, but the visuals start entering the doors of my perverse mind. What if this load is puny? That would really suck man, I want the chick that sees this to go "Hell yeah! This boy is good for the giving!" But, you know how it goes man sometimes it just a squirt and sometimes it is a LOAD! Then I start thinking about the cup itself, and how I have to make sure that it all reaches final destination. "Damn this is a lot more work than I had originally thought." I say to myself as the last and worst visual of all hits me smack dab in the frontal lobe. I get this picture of me getting off it makes it into the cup, and I am feeling triumphant. W00t! Yeah Baby, I got some O' that mojo still a going! Not! As I look into the cup I see my sperm starting to jump out and back down into the Jiz, like a massive amount of fish fighting for food in a great lake. Oh the horror of it all, I feel as if I am watching the old version of The Fly where the fly that has the human head is stuck in the spider's web and is screaming in that shrill voice "Heeeeelp Me!, Heeeeeelp Me!" but this just isn't one little voice, it is billions all screaming for me to put them back they do not want to go to the ladies in the white coats.


Well, that's my view on it and now that I have come to this realization I am not sure I could really do it unless I had an assistant.. I mean shit seems like they could get that regulated right?

Ma'am what is your profession again? "Well sir, my job title is Ejaculatory Control Specialist" They could have women in there for just these kinds of situations, and of course they must be of the highest caliber. Now that's what I call getting my money's worth =)

LMAO, maybe I am just a tad bit over analytical when it comes to life. Who knows?

Monday, July 05, 2004

Man Kicks Some Ass at FLL Airport

I was talking to Inanna the other day when this went down I had received a call on our Operations Phone from the MOD(stands for Manager On Duty but they are really situations manager's like if something bad happens at an airport and needs to be fixed) requesting phone numbers of all major contact points at Florida due to this incident. So I hunted the information down and gave it to her. Pretty wild shit.

Fort Lauderdale Airport

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Whoever Made These Laws Annoy Me

Visit Stupid Fucking Laws To see what kinda dumb asses we got in power. Now Some of these are old and shit but fuck man! Get them off the books you fucking cod nibbler!

Loser's Lounge

I found a really kick ass blog today! She is recently new to the blog world and doesnt have a whole lot of posts, but she has started to post more up to date information about herself. She is a school teacher that really cares about her kids and tries to go back to the old school of thought and create a bond with her students so that they find the learning process enjoyable, and that there is a true relationship between them.

I wish I had more teachers like her when I was in school...I had a couple but it is always good to be reminded of them and that there are those who care about our future's welfare.


She can be found at Fuck The Winner's Circle! This is one class act!

Saturday, July 03, 2004

In Darkness My Head is Held High

Hey Jay! I told you my Fucking Heart is Black bro!


Info Black
Your Heart is Black


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla


Got this Test from Tricia

Personality test

Got this from Jack's Smynde's Site. Thought the test was kinda shitty till I saw the result. Yeah it is me especially in the insane part.

Test

Wackiness: 34/100
Rationality: 32/100
Constructiveness: 40/100
Leadership: 76/100


You are an SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a dictator. You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.

You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Et tu, Brute?

While the title of this post deals more speficially with being stabbed in the back by friends, or those you would hold dear in your life I thought it fitting to explain my irritation with society as a whole.

In this day and age the world is fast paced. Information is delivered in nanoseconds, and we can research anything our hearts desire without havingto leave the comfort of our domicile. The problem intrisically with this is that we have lost the ability to behave socially. Laws are now being created so that if this behavior is not curbed, dire consequences can happen to the perpetrator(s). This still leaves holes in the system and it becomes so obscure with the passage of these many safe guards and loopholes, and specifics, that common sense itself is being forsaken for the matter of Law.

Fuck that!

We are animals, period. There are always going to be the differing groups of tree huggers, liberalistes, conservatists, etc. but the point of our existence is that the strong shall survive. Back to basics I am afraid. All of you out there in the expanse of life can hide behind your laws and your fears trying to be safe but I am truly afraid that your safety is a mere illusion. You have become the weakened prey that the vultures can swoop down and take as they wish. All of your belly aching and clamoring for laws, changes, and freedoms really mean shit in the big picture.

Getting from point A to point B

Look and listen. Understand that which is about you and do not interfere. If you want to institute your policies of enslavement then be prepared for the fallout the black lash of retaliation. While this can be applied to the scope of nations, it can also be used to define simplistic one on one interaction between two men. My suggestion is simple.... leave that to which you are not a part alone and to work on yourself verses the change of another. Control and obedience while needed is simply another step of submission that cannot and will not be tolerated by others and at any given time of their choosing the choice can be made fo rthem to snap and bring about the demise of the instigator with ease.

Let me explain a little about what I am talking about here. To do so I want you to imagine yourself in a normal every day situation one of which you are faced with the simple act of buying a hamburger from a fast food joint or one where you have bought a faulty product. You will face complacency by the employee of said establishment that is only in business by yourself and your peers' ability to pay for their services. It is the lack of fortitude in the consumer's actions that cause this "I don't give a rat's ass" attitude.

Yeah... I'll take a bag o' chips with that.

I don't fuck with anyone, and I don't like to be fucked with. Sometimes though we all have a point that has to give. Once that point is reached, and depending on many factors, we can break. Now in this day and time it usually reaches some type of bullshit yelling match, or argument, and at times it can even escalate to violence. This is what I find annoying. The threat of violence is always out there be it a man, or a woman, anything can happen at any time for reasons unknown. This is where I think a bit of a different view needs to come to mind. Ya know, Beating some one's ass for their contemtious attitude is just a waste. The receive will not really learn anything from it and it will most likely cause you to have to go to court and be sued and have to pay money out that ass while all the time worrying about possible jail time.

My personal preference is not to fight. Yes I will yell and get fucking pissed off and even possibly ready to kick some ass. Then again, I may just say fuck it and walk away. Sure you can feel superior in your mind and call me a pussy or what not knowing that you won that little battle; it's fine. In my world you are nothing but a microscopic piece of shit in the over view of things. I am purely ok with any of that because I know what I am capable of and what you are not. My eyes can peer into the depth of your dark black soul and see that you are just an idiot with nothing really to offer me in the way of knowledge or growth. You are merely a cog in the wheel of existence making it so that society has someone to clean the streets, to wash my toilets, and to dig my ditches.

Perhaps in a fit of rage you could actually kill someone but in the end of the moment you will feel remorse. Your heart will be heavy with the burden of taking a life. In mine eyes you are weak. Perhaps you are stronger and could lay an ass whooping on me and mine, or maybe I am the stronger of the two and could pluck your eyes from their sockets and have them look back at you for the soulless creature you truly are...

The question I have to beg is Why? Why go through all the physical strain and exertion to garner the end result that is truly needed?

You see, this is where one needs to look inside and see what they truly are able to do. I know what and who I am, but do you? I am a man that could take a gun and shove it in your face and pull the trigger and watch your brain matter explode in all directions. I could calmly wipe the over spray from my face and gun, as I re-holster it. Once I find that my cleaning is sufficient I could also sit up on your cold dead corpse as the last of your bodily fluids are ejactulated from your orifices made by genetics and created just moments before. In my hands I could be holding my meal that I had brought with me and I would enjoy every single bite. This could be done with no expression, with no feeling. If you had caused me to to come as far as this your life was worthless. You were bought and paid for long before it was my time to take your life.

I am also the man who could toruture you with a pleasant smile upon my face. I could actually enjoy causing you immense pain in exchange for the pain you may have caused others, or merely myself. To have me extole such a punishment and agonizing death against your spirit and flesh I would have to have had a very intimate relationship with you. We would have to have been very close to me or mine. By the time this action was completed you would understand the concept of fear, and right from wrong. It will be, however, too late.

Here are some simple guidelines to follow:

Do not Fuck with people.

If you fuck up and see your mistake own it and apologize.

If a mistake that clearly indicates you are fault is brought before you. Take the information and thank the giver of this gift for letting you learn and grow.

If you think you know more than me..."Fuck Off!" You don't.

When I ask a question I am always sincere, I am always asking for your knowledge so that I may become enlightened myself. When you take it upon yourself to make jokes, cause issue, or try and make me look a fool "Go fuck yourself repeatedly with a broom handle"

Do not carry on conversations with me when I am not paying attention. It usually means I am bored by your lack of worthy information and hav found you to be useless at this point in time.

You are all tools and I look as you as such. I respect that you should look as me in the same light, but since you do not then you are just a object that lies rusting in the rain.

If I try to be kind or express an emotion towards you in some positive light, I want you to accept it and embrace it. To argue the point with me pisses me off.

To be rude when one should be kind is an affront.

Jealousy over anothers achievements is wrong and shows you for the vermin you really are.



Remember my fellow readers that there are people like me out there in this world. We are all about, but there are not as many who have the ability to hold back and not complete this course of action. They are led solely by emotion and in the moment, and can snap and make you their next victim at any time. That is where the difference lies.

Know thine boundaries and accept them, but in the same know what you are truly capable of.







Thursday, July 01, 2004

Suffer The Children

Today while perusing my normal Yahoo news I came across an interesting story. One young lad that has cancer made a wish that a video game created so that children who were in the hospital would have a video game to play that was totally for them. It would allow them to de-stress and help them in their fight for life, or in the least take their mind off of it.

My reading of this took me to the make a wish foundation, and there were also some other children's stories and how their dreams were realized. While I am not usually the sappy sort of guy to be posting shit like this. I am requesting that anyone that read this to please visit this site and read some of the stories and to spend a few minutes of your busy days just to send them your best wishes and as well as to those who have similar problems as they.

Wishes Can Come True

Of Life and Death, A Frog's Tale

A couple weeks back I was over at my parent's house kicked back watching a movie on their 72 inch behemoth of a television. My boy's were running to and fro, keeping mainly to the outdoors, which was cool by me(I cannot stand to be interrupted when I am watching a movie).

Well at some point during this time period BAD1, and BAD3, had somehow discovered a pirates bounty! A treasure for a child this surely was. Without my knowledge they had conceived of a plan to abscond with this treasure and make it their newest pet. I am pretty sure that the plan was to show me that if they had created a habitat for this tiny little green and brown tree frog, I would surely let them keep it. Venturing into the front part of the house quite carefully they sit before me a see thru art supply box filled with grass, sticks, a little cup of water, and this little frog hopping all about. In the boys' eyes I could see the desire to keep this little creature of God and even though it broke my heart to tell them "No" I had to explain to them that this was a free little thing and they should enjoy it for what it is and let it go back into the woods(And the fact that if my mother saw it in her house we would all die was a bit of the factoring taken into account as well).

So they trot off, shoulers down, sulking all the way back to where I thought would be the release of the little frog. Irritated at the movie interruption , I lean back and try to enjoy my show, but this lasts all of 5 minutes when I hear my mother freaking out in the other part of the house yelling for me to come there and "Get this thing out of my house!". "Well, Mother Fucker! So much for me enjoying this piece of shit movie", I sigh as I make my way to the kids' bedroom to find out what the commotion was all about. To my dismay it seems that BAD3 did not want to take the frog back outside so he had taken it to the room and let the frog free in the house. Apparently the little dude had escaped quite rapidly straight into one of the AC vents causing me to remove everything off of one wall and taking then vent up and reaching my hand down into the hole to retrieve the little bugger.

Once he was caught I placed it back into the little habitat that the kiddos had put together and told them that if they didn't let him go back to where they got him I was gonna be upset... As well as not to bother Dad while he is watching a movie!. They saunter off outside, my mom quits griping, and I go and sit down (Yet again).

2 minutes until the movie is over.

I hear this blood curdling scream coming from the front part of the house. The sound is as if two felines had met the hands of a vivisectionist at the same time. "Oh Fucking Hell!", I curse as I deliberately make my way back there getting the last 2 minutes in before I do so. Making my way to the front part of the house I see BAD1 and BAD3 right inside the bathroom crying, and boo-hooing. It seems there is no blood or limbs pointing in opposite directions. All safe there... But why is my mother outside yelling at BAD2?

Finally after the blubbering and screaming resides I get the entire story. It seems that the boys did not heed the Father's well worded advice and took to their own inventions. You see, my sons were also outside playing with a remotely controlled big-foot monster truck at approximately the same time the little frog was found. So with the intellect of a 9 year old BAD1 Thinks it would be fun to put said frog into the cab of the 4X4 and let him have a little ride around the driveway for a bit. Now at first I started to smile so I had to turn away from my children, because I knew if I looked at their little sad eyes I was gonna piss my pants laughing.

My mom notices my bemused smirk and gives me the old evil eye. Ok, Ok I am calming down but Fuick man this is funny. When I first heard of this a cartoon image of their little frog stuck out in my min with him in the driver's side of the truck, head and left appendage hangint out the window with his long ass tongue billowing in the breeze... and he is looking so fucking A cool! Well if this isn't what my kids had in mind I don't know what they were thinking!

To hear the tragic tale told from BAD1 it seems that the truck made too fast a turn and ejected the happy little frog out the window placing him in the path of the vehicle as it rolled on top of him. Now I am totally getting more visuals and am fighting to keep a straight face. I ask what caused them to cry... and the answer seems to be that BAD1 and BAD3 ran over to see what happened to the little frog and saw his mangled body with half his guts hanging out through a hole in his stomach. The damn frog was still alive at this time and the two boys really weren't sure of what to do...Well BAD2 comes up and in all his wisdom tries to push all the entrails that have spewed forth back inside of the dying frog, and being that the frog was still alive at this time he lets out a little croak and then expires. This sets BAD1,and BAD2 into a tizzy of crying and leads up to the whole point of this story..

I started laughing so hard I couldn't keep from crying, myself, and my mom disgusted with the whole affair had to lecture each of them individually about playing with nature after we tell them not to. By now everyone is bawling, my mom is yelling, and I am in trouble for laughing.

A couple days later all of us are in my car, and in a sincere voice I ask "Yo! BAD1 did your frog croak?"


Yeah, the little bastard told on me for that and I got to hear from my mom about how soft hearted he was and that I shouldn't make fun of him. Damn, I guess one is never to old to get an ass kicking from their mom!